Yeah I´m alive.

Yo hi there. To whu ever will read this.
So there maybe I went on a hiatos our something. I wasent okay for a while , I´m still not. I never was ! But I´m better now.
I think I´ll have flows of this hiatos stuff...wich I dont like, and if , I had regular followers I dont think the did neither.
But I´m back , Im alive.
A lot of stuff happen in this time.
I gost happy, super happy, sad , depressed.
I found stuff that was missing, I found more stuff about me, and ... I let go of some stuff.
Aniway, I think , I should revive this our something.
I dont know, make a program of what to post each day !
That would be fun.
:)
So yeah , expect knews eventualy, if God wants to.

So yeah.
Bye guys!

Entry 25 -Helllooo woorld !!! Yes I'm still alive !

(Music sounds, and me dancing....in my head of course ) Hello ! Men I have been off of blogging for such a long long time now, you know, I had some crises the past weeks... Our should i say months .? Yeah, but me is better, thanks to God ! (Yeeei) I finally have a psychiatrist! Tomorrow is my third apointment! I have a domestic schedule' that a ferry kind lady did for me, I go to walk everyday, I'm trying to have a more healthy life , actual,y, this started to happen when I drew closer to God.... - people that don't
Like to read about God.... Idk men I would like you to stay and read, but yo I'm not changing my content XD - yeah, I'm happy, I'm fine. :)

So yeah I'll be back idk when but I will !

I hope you guys are OK :)

See ya !

Entry 24 - Aaaand an happy new yeaaar

Yeah ! Happy new year everybody ! *pum pum pum * -that's the fireworks- so its 2015 already .... Geez time goes fast. I still remember 2001 like it was yesterday - ah you toght I was going to make that lame joke didn't you ? I didn't ! - but then again I can remember stuff back to 96 so ...yeah.

Any way, new year's eve!

The end of 2014 was a very, dark end for me, I get in this crises, I don't really know how, but I think I figured out already so, one day ill share. So because of that Xmas and new year's was sort of gloom. But I had my fun in it. In the new years I made filhós, its a sweet we have here in Portugal and(pause) eat ! Lol yeah it was just me my parents my granny and my older bro in the house so there wasent any party our any thing like that, we watched our favour it shows - which included an opera for me ( yes ! I never get to see this things)  and some shows like x factor and a TV novel -our drama idk - called beirais for my parents. But of course my favourite part of the night was the fireworks! We have a ....kinda of a roof top here in the house -if anyone know a better word please leave a comment.- and it as this huge view, so I can see the sea the city and the other villages near it in a panoramic view so she I went upstairs to see the fireworks I was greet with two fireworks like one of each side of the roof top, then they ended and I spent my next 20 minutes our so watching the fireworks  from the city and some other villages.
It was cold as hell by the way!

So that was it for new year's.

Now resolutions!

My first serious ones....XD

So here it goes

1- Accept and forgive yourself more!
I beat my self up a lot for mistakes I made, that doesn't help, instead accepting it and forgive me and then move on and try to make it better next time does a lot better to me. And I have to accept more my self as I am, sometimes I think I don't do that.

2- rely more on others.

As I read in a blog yesterday, life isinn't a high school test where you have to do everything alone , you have your friends you can rely on , if you  can't... Then they aren't really you'r friends! I think God is trying to he that message a lot lately.

3- being more close to Jesus.
What ? You think I am already ? Being a Cristhian means to be in a constant battle! our nature says , no its enough , but we know it isin't. So we have to battle to keep being more and more close to Him. The battle will never end - until we resurect- but that's awesome because we are fighters warriors of Cristh ! Ah ! I love this its like I'm part of narnia (gigles ).

4 - talk more with my friends

Yes , yes yes sometimes I go troght a month without talking with them.... And I don't want to lose them :) I love you guys !

5 - be more organized

Sereosly I need to be more organized with my life, have scheduals, and reminders ands tasks all pinpointed so I can function and I need to follow them religiosly if I want to succeed in something.

6- go with one thing at the time.

My problem too is that I have a looot of projects in my mind and then I don't finish any of them. So I got to stick with one, until the end! That way I can succeed !

So that's what my new year's eve and resolutions was.  XD

I hope I can stick with them ..... (Tense)

So yeah

See ya guys ! (Waves)

Entry number 23 - I'm still alive ! - for the lack of a better setence.

Soooo yeah I am a lousy blogger bcouse I didn't even updated how my cristhmas eve was.... I didn't like it that much that settles it. ( laughs) it wasen't that bad, but it wasen't that good neither. I think one of the reason is that I don't see Xmas as other people do, presents, family, friends, hot chocolate and lots of awesome tasty food ! Well.... I do see it as tasty food too, but mostly, I see Xmas as a very spiritual thing, it was the day my Savior was born ( actuly that was not the day, but since we don't know which month ( September our October....probably October ) He was born we celebrate His birth day on this day) its not a mere b day this was a prophetized b day, I don't know how to express how important this is to humanity, like, oh well I'll make a post about this later ( an other must do post on the list) .
So Xmas eve was basically listhen to my family's chatter and the TV's movies noise ( Oscar Xmas....was it ? It was a good movie , life of Pi ? I don't like watching animals being killed,and I think this movie was on 25 not on 24) eating a lot ! those cakes were sooooo good my sister in law knows how to cooke ....cook ? And making puzzles and playing chess and an other board game that I don't know the name in English for.
For me that was the best part of the night I got to spend time with my older nephew while he was teaching me how to play chess, for the first time I know what a check mate is! And we got addicted to it XD
And making puzzles with my younger nephew ( as well with my brother and older nephew) was a lot of fun, we both have this thing for paterns . on Xmas day I got so pumped that I completed all the puzzlels there was, except the one that was 500  pieces.
My bro came from spain and we got to spend time together as families with him and his dog ... She is so chute she only sleeps with him but she decided to sleep with me and my parents this year ! - the bed was  larger also when my bro comes for Xmas I get to sleep in my parents bedroom.
So yeah lots of noise, changes and confusion for my head! I'm still recovering from it, and here comes the new years eve..... Meh. Oh well at least I will do some resolutions this year, for the first time in for ever.

And today I went to the nearest citiy to do some errands, and I was looking for the red cross to volunteer, turns out  there's no red cross there (sight) what ever I can go to the other nearest city and volunteer there, but as I was saying I went there I bought this draw paper so I can finally start drawing my friends face! -Sorry dude ,I still haven't start it- and other stuff, and after a while I go to a biblio...Bibliotheca bibliotec? That. To read some books, and I get so mad because there's nothing to read there, there is, but one I have read it already, second I don't like them , third they are not about distopias XD and fourth ....there isint a fourth.
I was looking for narnia and nothing. NOTHING ! There's LOTR and  Twilight and pride and prejudice but there's no narnia (cries) nor hunger games for that metteer....not divergent.... I want to squeeze someone...
But I found one book that I finded adourable ! I think the name in English is little women, its a classic but I still haven't read it, so day 2 I'm gonna pick it up !
I'm so happy a new book !
Actually next month a new chapter of orange is coming out ( fangirls)

Okay this as been reeealy long and reaaaly random so I'm gonna end this post here, with the promiss of coming back with something related with new years, that anime review and the cristhian one !
See ya !

Entry 22 - looking back at my introspection.

My introspections are like a religious meditation ....I think.
I can spend days away from society only watching and reading meaningful stuff, sometimes eve forgetting that....there's food, and that my body needs it, other times, I remember it too dam well.
So I stay at my bed under the covers, watching and reading stuff and, is the situation happen to me I tend to remember every detail of it and see my self in the characters. Other times I watch the thing our read it and then I try to take something good out of it something that I can live by ( like in naruto, only in naruto both things happened).

On the last post I already told you guys what I have been reading and watching, and on entry 20, yeah that manga  is part of it too.

So what did I found ? What was I looking for in the first place ? Nothing.

I found out that, some wounds that where suppose to be healed aren't .
I found out that I'm still very fragile, and I hate it, I want to be strong and kind, but some people comments where bugging my mind.
Where. They aren't anymore.
Our at least I'm in the jorney of not  letting it bug me.

The no dropping out manga, made me realize something. Social hirachies suck. I was right. Like most of the times, I think I have to forgive my self and put the blame where it belongs.

All ofencers are like that, let them be bullies, molesters, someone that pratacies domestic violence, its their blame and they put it in who ever they want.

So I decided that I'll start healing by putting the blame in the right place.

What did I learn more ...? That people core's suck ? Yeah I already knew that, but I think I kinda forgot. But it was good because I actually remember the way the bible tells you to be totally diferent from people that  direct they lives troght those values, and it just gave peace to my heart GOD WILL MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE !!!!  I found out that not being associated with any social hirerchy was a biblical thing and it just made Jesus, and not only Him, Joseph of Antimateria ( is that how you spell it ?)
....I will put a link so you can see a vid about it. My role model !

That was the greatest thing about my introspection,I refound God and I refund good in people, there are still people that can be good troght God's grace. Amend that I should go to Him when things get rough and when things get happy, because I don't see the bigger picture and what is happening to me may served to save someone else. I should ask the right questions, not being whining.

That's part of the cure too.

An other thing is, I matter. My opinions matter, my feelings matter, I should respect m, and other people should too. I should claim respect, but to do that I should claim respect from my self too.

Going back to  the things that I watched; wondering son, I'm androgynous , meaning gender, I mean, in my brain there isan't a gender, I'm just.... Me.

Watching that girl being trap in a boys body, was just.... How do I it it, I'm okay with my body, I don't feel the need to change a thing, but it just made me aware of the fact that, I am different
It made me realize that I want to express who I am, so I will probably start whearing more unisex stuff.
All that I took from that anime was love yourself.

Orange is still ongoing, but I took a lesson from it, you at in this world just for a few  things. And one of it is make a difference in people lives. You may desagree with me, butt think with me, why do you study? To know stuff, for what ? For a job, for what , so you can live, pay you'r bills have a house, if you are lucky buy a car. You are living, for your self, you say, you are living the dream, butt...are you ? What will you left behind ? No tell me what did you do that made you smile like a maniac ? A car wont make you smile like a maniac, for long XD

But...you can have half of that stuff, and be happy, because of connections, you'refriend was having a bad day, you offer yourself to list hen to him, your bond deepens and he will never forget, that you where there for him, and you actually feel good too! Being part of someone happiness is something, wonderful. And this is the true way of never be forgeted , even if you aren't famous, the people you touched lives will never forget you, and being part of domes happiness is one of the greatest things of all, all the other things are stuff given by the sistem to give you a purpose, but they will fail someday, and this won't.

It thought me that  i must  accept  my retreats, try to learn from them, and try to not do the same in the future :)

Long long post, of a very long long journey that will not finish.... Until Jesus arrives our I ressurect ( yes I don't know he to spell that word ! It doesn't matter aniwai, if  it does t you, sorry pal. )

See ya

Entry 21 - introspection ( and other stuff ) ( actuLy this is just an update )

Life can be strange sometimes,  I'll be saying very random things in this post so don't mind me.
Lately I've been in a introspective void, where I just read and watch stuff think about life, my life, others people lives actions and stuff, and I don't talk with anyone for a long time. I need this sort of thing from time to time.
Our else I forget whu I am.
So I've been reading, watching and  writing a lot. I've been working on a manga about AS

I've  been reading orange, which is a manga about friendship love and.....parallels universes and trying to make a friend undepressed so he  doesn't commit suicide. But its not gloom and doom , its actually really funny sometimes.

Then I watched a drama, and that one its really heavy and its really doom and gloom....realy doom and gloom.
And if you don't want to watch it I understand, the name is no dropping out. Its  a 35 year old that goes back to highschooll,  I toght it was a comedy drama but then it was about bullying..... And heavy one so...yeah I'm not finishing it.

And then I found out if I changed my language to English on crunchy I would have more anime, and more interesting ones, so I watched an anime ... I can only remember he English part of the name, wandering son, its about a boy that wants to be a girl and a girl that wants to be a boy, I LOVED IT.

I actually will be making a post just about it, because it desearves it ! I just love this serious and complicated issues about life....because that's real!

I will actually go back to church too. Next Saturday I will be there :)

The introspection made me a little... What should I say bitter, but that will coins to pass, with a lot of love, and the right book :)

Entry number 20 : manga "a silent voice"

Okay  its late, but here it is, my post about the manga a that I finished reading an few days ago.
I have to say, what a roller coaster of feels..even as I'm writhing this the feels are coming back,

This manga is about a girl that is deaf  and the srruglles that she as fitting in society, and about a boy that wants to defeat boredom at all costs.

No, this is not you'r tipical lovely dovely manga.

That boy to defeat boredom does all kind of weird stuff, like jumping off bridges,get beaten up by a senior, beat up other people, bully animals.... And when that all ends, you know what he did?

He bullied the deaf girl.

He did all kind of weird stuff he did to animals to her, and in his mind she was an alien ....

Talking about her, when she came to school everyone tryed to be nice to her, and she tryed to, communicate with everyone with a  notebook, but this.... Other girl started to get fed up with her,and she starting being a idiot to her after the anti-boredom guy started too.

So she  (the new girl i dont like to call her deaf girl) became isolated and everyone make her life hell.

eventually her mother called the principall because she noticed that her.... Its not hear plugs, that device that makes you hear better was being broken every time she bought a new one.

And so the homerun ( homeron, home ran ...... Yes I don't know how to spell what ever ) teacher said for the anti-boredom guy to confess.

You think this is good right ?

It wasent.

First the teacher was a bully himself and he didn't  want is superiors to scold him. Second he was bullying the anti-boredom guy, second....this....

The guy admits that he did it, which I praise him for it, but then he says that he wasent the only one, and he starts telling about the idiot girl, his 2 friends and a braid chicken that badmouthed her , but he wasent expecting that everybody would turn his back on him, and told the teacher that it was only him, and yara yara yara, you can read it on crunchyroll.

So now, they have started bullying him, and her.

And its really sad to see how traumatized the guy becomes. The girl eventually changes schools and this is where something really cool happens, when he comes back the other day, his desk is full of stuff writed with chalck, and he had noticed the other day that she was cleaning a desk before everyone else arrieved, but he tought it was her deask, but in the end it was his desck.

So he continued to being bullyed until he graduated, but in highschool one of his old friends started to bad rumoring him and he ended up ignored....weeeell but he kinda start shoving people away too

Bullying trauma.

But, he finds out that the girl that he used to bully goes to a school near him and he mets her, then he goes and talks to her in sign language so he can tell her sorry, that he was a jerck, and if they could be friends although he understand if she didn't want to be ( this was actually an allusion to what she told him a while back)

And then he starts to dedicating his life to her, like , he wants to be a different person, from what he was in the past, he wants the anti-boredom guy dead. And. A jorney of finding themselves, understanding others, friendship and forgiveness, for them and for the self begins.

And its just beutifull seing that bloom.

It was a history of, hope, and now I want to re-read it.... Anyway I recommend everyone to read it especially if you we t troght the same experience.

But.....

SPOILER ALERT

I know that romance was a sub theme... But it was still a theme, come on even Paulo got to be shown again and we don't get to see those 2 together ? I mean yeah it was implied but .... I needed confirmation, it just seems unfinished to me, but oh well. It was a really good many a despise that.

So that was it, I'm reading an other manga now , its called orange, its ongoing and I'm loving it, I got to learn a few things about relationship with it, I only get relationship with manga.