Entry 22 - looking back at my introspection.

My introspections are like a religious meditation ....I think.
I can spend days away from society only watching and reading meaningful stuff, sometimes eve forgetting that....there's food, and that my body needs it, other times, I remember it too dam well.
So I stay at my bed under the covers, watching and reading stuff and, is the situation happen to me I tend to remember every detail of it and see my self in the characters. Other times I watch the thing our read it and then I try to take something good out of it something that I can live by ( like in naruto, only in naruto both things happened).

On the last post I already told you guys what I have been reading and watching, and on entry 20, yeah that manga  is part of it too.

So what did I found ? What was I looking for in the first place ? Nothing.

I found out that, some wounds that where suppose to be healed aren't .
I found out that I'm still very fragile, and I hate it, I want to be strong and kind, but some people comments where bugging my mind.
Where. They aren't anymore.
Our at least I'm in the jorney of not  letting it bug me.

The no dropping out manga, made me realize something. Social hirachies suck. I was right. Like most of the times, I think I have to forgive my self and put the blame where it belongs.

All ofencers are like that, let them be bullies, molesters, someone that pratacies domestic violence, its their blame and they put it in who ever they want.

So I decided that I'll start healing by putting the blame in the right place.

What did I learn more ...? That people core's suck ? Yeah I already knew that, but I think I kinda forgot. But it was good because I actually remember the way the bible tells you to be totally diferent from people that  direct they lives troght those values, and it just gave peace to my heart GOD WILL MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE !!!!  I found out that not being associated with any social hirerchy was a biblical thing and it just made Jesus, and not only Him, Joseph of Antimateria ( is that how you spell it ?)
....I will put a link so you can see a vid about it. My role model !

That was the greatest thing about my introspection,I refound God and I refund good in people, there are still people that can be good troght God's grace. Amend that I should go to Him when things get rough and when things get happy, because I don't see the bigger picture and what is happening to me may served to save someone else. I should ask the right questions, not being whining.

That's part of the cure too.

An other thing is, I matter. My opinions matter, my feelings matter, I should respect m, and other people should too. I should claim respect, but to do that I should claim respect from my self too.

Going back to  the things that I watched; wondering son, I'm androgynous , meaning gender, I mean, in my brain there isan't a gender, I'm just.... Me.

Watching that girl being trap in a boys body, was just.... How do I it it, I'm okay with my body, I don't feel the need to change a thing, but it just made me aware of the fact that, I am different
It made me realize that I want to express who I am, so I will probably start whearing more unisex stuff.
All that I took from that anime was love yourself.

Orange is still ongoing, but I took a lesson from it, you at in this world just for a few  things. And one of it is make a difference in people lives. You may desagree with me, butt think with me, why do you study? To know stuff, for what ? For a job, for what , so you can live, pay you'r bills have a house, if you are lucky buy a car. You are living, for your self, you say, you are living the dream, butt...are you ? What will you left behind ? No tell me what did you do that made you smile like a maniac ? A car wont make you smile like a maniac, for long XD

But...you can have half of that stuff, and be happy, because of connections, you'refriend was having a bad day, you offer yourself to list hen to him, your bond deepens and he will never forget, that you where there for him, and you actually feel good too! Being part of someone happiness is something, wonderful. And this is the true way of never be forgeted , even if you aren't famous, the people you touched lives will never forget you, and being part of domes happiness is one of the greatest things of all, all the other things are stuff given by the sistem to give you a purpose, but they will fail someday, and this won't.

It thought me that  i must  accept  my retreats, try to learn from them, and try to not do the same in the future :)

Long long post, of a very long long journey that will not finish.... Until Jesus arrives our I ressurect ( yes I don't know he to spell that word ! It doesn't matter aniwai, if  it does t you, sorry pal. )

See ya

Entry 21 - introspection ( and other stuff ) ( actuLy this is just an update )

Life can be strange sometimes,  I'll be saying very random things in this post so don't mind me.
Lately I've been in a introspective void, where I just read and watch stuff think about life, my life, others people lives actions and stuff, and I don't talk with anyone for a long time. I need this sort of thing from time to time.
Our else I forget whu I am.
So I've been reading, watching and  writing a lot. I've been working on a manga about AS

I've  been reading orange, which is a manga about friendship love and.....parallels universes and trying to make a friend undepressed so he  doesn't commit suicide. But its not gloom and doom , its actually really funny sometimes.

Then I watched a drama, and that one its really heavy and its really doom and gloom....realy doom and gloom.
And if you don't want to watch it I understand, the name is no dropping out. Its  a 35 year old that goes back to highschooll,  I toght it was a comedy drama but then it was about bullying..... And heavy one so...yeah I'm not finishing it.

And then I found out if I changed my language to English on crunchy I would have more anime, and more interesting ones, so I watched an anime ... I can only remember he English part of the name, wandering son, its about a boy that wants to be a girl and a girl that wants to be a boy, I LOVED IT.

I actually will be making a post just about it, because it desearves it ! I just love this serious and complicated issues about life....because that's real!

I will actually go back to church too. Next Saturday I will be there :)

The introspection made me a little... What should I say bitter, but that will coins to pass, with a lot of love, and the right book :)

Entry number 20 : manga "a silent voice"

Okay  its late, but here it is, my post about the manga a that I finished reading an few days ago.
I have to say, what a roller coaster of feels..even as I'm writhing this the feels are coming back,

This manga is about a girl that is deaf  and the srruglles that she as fitting in society, and about a boy that wants to defeat boredom at all costs.

No, this is not you'r tipical lovely dovely manga.

That boy to defeat boredom does all kind of weird stuff, like jumping off bridges,get beaten up by a senior, beat up other people, bully animals.... And when that all ends, you know what he did?

He bullied the deaf girl.

He did all kind of weird stuff he did to animals to her, and in his mind she was an alien ....

Talking about her, when she came to school everyone tryed to be nice to her, and she tryed to, communicate with everyone with a  notebook, but this.... Other girl started to get fed up with her,and she starting being a idiot to her after the anti-boredom guy started too.

So she  (the new girl i dont like to call her deaf girl) became isolated and everyone make her life hell.

eventually her mother called the principall because she noticed that her.... Its not hear plugs, that device that makes you hear better was being broken every time she bought a new one.

And so the homerun ( homeron, home ran ...... Yes I don't know how to spell what ever ) teacher said for the anti-boredom guy to confess.

You think this is good right ?

It wasent.

First the teacher was a bully himself and he didn't  want is superiors to scold him. Second he was bullying the anti-boredom guy, second....this....

The guy admits that he did it, which I praise him for it, but then he says that he wasent the only one, and he starts telling about the idiot girl, his 2 friends and a braid chicken that badmouthed her , but he wasent expecting that everybody would turn his back on him, and told the teacher that it was only him, and yara yara yara, you can read it on crunchyroll.

So now, they have started bullying him, and her.

And its really sad to see how traumatized the guy becomes. The girl eventually changes schools and this is where something really cool happens, when he comes back the other day, his desk is full of stuff writed with chalck, and he had noticed the other day that she was cleaning a desk before everyone else arrieved, but he tought it was her deask, but in the end it was his desck.

So he continued to being bullyed until he graduated, but in highschool one of his old friends started to bad rumoring him and he ended up ignored....weeeell but he kinda start shoving people away too

Bullying trauma.

But, he finds out that the girl that he used to bully goes to a school near him and he mets her, then he goes and talks to her in sign language so he can tell her sorry, that he was a jerck, and if they could be friends although he understand if she didn't want to be ( this was actually an allusion to what she told him a while back)

And then he starts to dedicating his life to her, like , he wants to be a different person, from what he was in the past, he wants the anti-boredom guy dead. And. A jorney of finding themselves, understanding others, friendship and forgiveness, for them and for the self begins.

And its just beutifull seing that bloom.

It was a history of, hope, and now I want to re-read it.... Anyway I recommend everyone to read it especially if you we t troght the same experience.

But.....

SPOILER ALERT

I know that romance was a sub theme... But it was still a theme, come on even Paulo got to be shown again and we don't get to see those 2 together ? I mean yeah it was implied but .... I needed confirmation, it just seems unfinished to me, but oh well. It was a really good many a despise that.

So that was it, I'm reading an other manga now , its called orange, its ongoing and I'm loving it, I got to learn a few things about relationship with it, I only get relationship with manga.

Entry 19: update

So I don't have a PC , our laptop now, so I'm writing on my tablet ! ( which is good because it has autocorrect XP)
So yeah its been difficult traslanting anything,but I WILL !
I went to the hospital to check if I had a schedule with the psychiatrist, and nope, guess the doctor forgot about it , but it was okay becouse, the lady that assisted me made where to put a not on the psychiatrist stuff.
I've been doing a week without 2 of my special interests, to see what happens- its related to chch stuff - and all kinds of things have been happening to me, weird things, like the memories of the me in the "blur years" those where the years where I was bullyed, and the nice thing is, for every moment that I am, a manga seems to pop up to help me out, and this time was "a silent voice " that "saved" me. I just finish it, and km in a roller coaster of feels right now, I'm trying to process it all, because it just feels so real, the story, just feels so real and it kinda hurts... But at the same time it gives you hope.
I'm gonna rant about it latter

This was just a update.... There's nothing really new to update but I feel like I have to put it all here.

See ya !