My introspections are like a religious meditation ....I think.
I can spend days away from society only watching and reading meaningful stuff, sometimes eve forgetting that....there's food, and that my body needs it, other times, I remember it too dam well.
So I stay at my bed under the covers, watching and reading stuff and, is the situation happen to me I tend to remember every detail of it and see my self in the characters. Other times I watch the thing our read it and then I try to take something good out of it something that I can live by ( like in naruto, only in naruto both things happened).
On the last post I already told you guys what I have been reading and watching, and on entry 20, yeah that manga is part of it too.
So what did I found ? What was I looking for in the first place ? Nothing.
I found out that, some wounds that where suppose to be healed aren't .
I found out that I'm still very fragile, and I hate it, I want to be strong and kind, but some people comments where bugging my mind.
Where. They aren't anymore.
Our at least I'm in the jorney of not letting it bug me.
The no dropping out manga, made me realize something. Social hirachies suck. I was right. Like most of the times, I think I have to forgive my self and put the blame where it belongs.
All ofencers are like that, let them be bullies, molesters, someone that pratacies domestic violence, its their blame and they put it in who ever they want.
So I decided that I'll start healing by putting the blame in the right place.
What did I learn more ...? That people core's suck ? Yeah I already knew that, but I think I kinda forgot. But it was good because I actually remember the way the bible tells you to be totally diferent from people that direct they lives troght those values, and it just gave peace to my heart GOD WILL MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE !!!! I found out that not being associated with any social hirerchy was a biblical thing and it just made Jesus, and not only Him, Joseph of Antimateria ( is that how you spell it ?)
....I will put a link so you can see a vid about it. My role model !
That was the greatest thing about my introspection,I refound God and I refund good in people, there are still people that can be good troght God's grace. Amend that I should go to Him when things get rough and when things get happy, because I don't see the bigger picture and what is happening to me may served to save someone else. I should ask the right questions, not being whining.
That's part of the cure too.
An other thing is, I matter. My opinions matter, my feelings matter, I should respect m, and other people should too. I should claim respect, but to do that I should claim respect from my self too.
Going back to the things that I watched; wondering son, I'm androgynous , meaning gender, I mean, in my brain there isan't a gender, I'm just.... Me.
Watching that girl being trap in a boys body, was just.... How do I it it, I'm okay with my body, I don't feel the need to change a thing, but it just made me aware of the fact that, I am different
It made me realize that I want to express who I am, so I will probably start whearing more unisex stuff.
All that I took from that anime was love yourself.
Orange is still ongoing, but I took a lesson from it, you at in this world just for a few things. And one of it is make a difference in people lives. You may desagree with me, butt think with me, why do you study? To know stuff, for what ? For a job, for what , so you can live, pay you'r bills have a house, if you are lucky buy a car. You are living, for your self, you say, you are living the dream, butt...are you ? What will you left behind ? No tell me what did you do that made you smile like a maniac ? A car wont make you smile like a maniac, for long XD
But...you can have half of that stuff, and be happy, because of connections, you'refriend was having a bad day, you offer yourself to list hen to him, your bond deepens and he will never forget, that you where there for him, and you actually feel good too! Being part of someone happiness is something, wonderful. And this is the true way of never be forgeted , even if you aren't famous, the people you touched lives will never forget you, and being part of domes happiness is one of the greatest things of all, all the other things are stuff given by the sistem to give you a purpose, but they will fail someday, and this won't.
It thought me that i must accept my retreats, try to learn from them, and try to not do the same in the future :)
Long long post, of a very long long journey that will not finish.... Until Jesus arrives our I ressurect ( yes I don't know he to spell that word ! It doesn't matter aniwai, if it does t you, sorry pal. )
See ya
