Entry number 10 - MY BIRTH DAYYY - This was suposed to be posted on 28yh of November XD - part 1

So, on the 28th of November I made ..... 20 years old .. .
I still cant ... Im still not conviced that I´m twenty ... whats wrong with me ...
Aniway , I made a small record on what happen that day ...so fotos and videos, so you guys (who ever reads this ) can pass the day with me.

So here it goes...prepare for ugliness

So .... this photo was ment to be the first one, (it wasent ) but its to show how I wake up from bed .... how beutifull I know ... Hi !


When I woke up I was extremely happy, my mom came to my room she gave wished me a happy birthday, I rose up and got to the kitchen so I could be with her a litle bit more, my father came, he wished Happy b day too, and then I moved to the Pc, and then I went to listhen to music, Daughtry, "waithing for supermen" and "Cinderella"

Me listhening to "Waithing for Supermen"
I had one for cinderela but I cant upload it :(

Then I went to Facebook, where a lot of people where wishing me happy birthdays,I had photos of it  I would put here but I cant becouse, permission stuff !
Aniways, I went to skype, and one of my best friends knowing my need and love for manga, and how I was depriving my self from it gave me this:

Crunchyrool Pay meee XD

He gave me a premium pass to the crunchyrool manga part. I CAN READ ALL THE MANGA I WANT NOWW UUUH UH!

If you happen to read this, for tthe milesimal time thank you, thank you, THANK YOUU  lol XD 

Then 2 old friends of mine gave me birthday´s wishes and one kept talking with me and wanted to know how I was doing and stuff... it was just...realy meaningfull. :)

Then I got fed up and I went to buy "cakes" for me, I GOT OUT OF HOUSE !!! (yeeeiii) 

My back didnt hur a lot , it did a litle but I could walk and I just got to see the houses the streets , this is realy beutifull here, I love it. I think its an aspie thing. ...one day I get into more detail.

Aniway since it was my B day I got all dress up for the ocasion!

I know , you cant see it very well XD

And then when I came back with the cakes I made a video, but its not uploading so when it is Il show you guys.

But before all of these Google and Fcebook gave me an Happy B day wishes, Google thank you for the cakes, Facebook thank you for the Fireworks. And a Youtuber that I like a lot puted a plus one on a coment I made on her google plus acount ...Yeeei XD 

So yeah this was the first part of my b day. Il post the rest today our tomorrow :)

Random stuff about today

Its 4 am ....AND I´M BLOGGING , actualy reposting what I had posted on the entries page...its bether here. I like how its not compact and stuff.

And also, HELLLOO yes you that are reading my last  entries, I dont know who you are but , feel youserlf at home...did this sentece made sence ? I dont think so...

ANIWAY.

Today was a wild day... it was wild, but I stayed at home, Lies ,I did went outside once, but my back hurts like hell when I walck so I cant go ,still , monday I will have my back fixed muahahahah!
I finaly decided.
Im going to make an Aspie group suport! Yes! We need to show Aspies that they are not aloone!!!
If you are from Portugal and you are reading this and you have AS....consider yourself at home and go to Aspies Pt on facebook.

JOIN THE ARMY!!!

Wow....I shout a lot at 4 in the morning * rools eyes *

I actualy have an "anoucement" for this blog.

THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT ALL HAPPY AND FLUFLY STUFF, BECOUSE THIS IS ABOUT LIFE AND LIFE IS HARD SOMETIMES, AND SOMETIMES ITS SAD.

So sometimes you´re gonna see some depressive stuff, but I have to say it becouse this is the way I cope with stuff, I find it out that i get less into depression if I do this here. 

SO, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

That said, I´m going to talk about sad stuff.
Im turning 20 in a few hours.
And life is ....kinda wierd.
Im allmost twenty and I havent finished highschool.....*shakes head`*
And that keeps me frustrated, I want to do something I love, something I´m passionate about, until I get to school again! Something that would change the world, okay , something with meaning.
I love arts , I love paiting I wouldnt mind doing that ....IF THERE WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT NEAR WHERE I LIVE !
There isint and that makes me nuts.
Sure I could paint in my home... but I want to be sorrounded with people. And I want to laugh with them and trhow paint at them and vice versa.

Paint warrr!

But this stupid goverment dosent let me.

I wanted to be able to go t oUni without highschool, I know if I study for the exams I would pass, but to make the exams you have to be in some school.

I toght about going aboard ....but that costs money and I dont think I would survive out of my country, AS.

I need my routines my people my religion !!! XD

So with all of that , yesterday I went to my bed at 3 am depressive shaking and crying as I grabed a teddy, and felt assleep on it.

Today I got to tell about a trauma that hunted me a lot. Im not gonna put this in cofessions yet. So you have to waith to get what I´m talking about.
And I got to tell to someone that went troght the same thing , and it was an intensive experience. it was like i was reviving everything the pain the panic, everything I allmost cried, BUT I DIDNT WICH MADE ME PROUD AT MY SELF!!! And I was shcking a litle, but then Daughtry came along. !
And made my day bether. I actualy like to share those kinds of stories becouse I get to help other people, as I said live isint just god  moments , and we need each other to learn how to cope and be strong and survive in this wild word.

-------------On a lighter note-------------------

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAYYYY - by tomorrow I mean 2 hours our so. !!!

I begged my mom to buy me the last JUMP issue with Naruto, at first she said yes....but then ...CLOTHS DANIELA CLOTHS.
Can I get Narnia then ?
NO.

Baaah. See this is what people dont get, we Aspies perfer books and other things to cloths, becouse books and this other thigs are OXIGEN TO US. IM DEAD SERIOUS.

One of the things that I dont like is still having to ask for stuff when I could be working.....GRRRRAAA but I CANT BECOUSE IM NOT MENTALY PREPARED, NOT BECOUSE IM LAZY , NOT BECOUSE IM RETARDED BUT I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

ASPERGER SINDROM EVERYONE.

It as good things and bad things.... well its not realy the AS fault its from the people that dont understand AS.

But okay.

Now I got that out of my chest.

I might go to sleep...might....

20 Im so old.

Entry number 8: "...And I dont feel dead anymore!" (This is from owl city plant life song...) 26 Of November of 2014 16:19

Hello guys, yesterday I ended up not talking about my ocd, becouse something amazing happened!

As you know, this can be realy tiring... I can be right in the moment thinking, yeah I can´t listhen to what ever I want, its not from the ass devil, and then 3 seconds after , im feeling realy gilty and I have compulsions,,,, and I start to get paranoid and then I think that even watch a video on youtube from someone that is an atheist is a sin .... *baaaf* You know what I mean right ?

Yeah, so! Once in the Aspie Forum I made a message there if anyone was a Cristhina that someone please messaged me, my ocd was kicking hard, and I didnt know if the rules that people told me in church where right our wrong , I was having Identetie isssues...

And one person replyed he gave me his opinion and then other messages toped, and when that happens usualy everyones tends to forget...

Not this time,

I go to the forum, and I see a new message, and the title says. I am Cristhian.

So I replyed to him, and told what was going on, he didnt understood right away and he mentioned a writer(im not going to say the name) and I was like...is he from the same church as me ?!

And he was , well not from portugal , but he is from the same church.

And that just hit me like a blast, I truly belive it was God that puted him there to talk to me! Continuing, after that , he said that those "laws" about the music and other stuff was not a law! And people we know that if its not a law , you dont have to do it.

And I just start crying like a baby!!! I was so relived, I dont know ....I felt FREE! In my mind the verse "Come to Me all of you that are tired and wheary and I will give you rest (our peace , i dont remember well) " just came poping into my mind. And , I was like...yeah, this is freadom , "And the truth shall set you free" this is the real meaning of it. Why do people, make laws and make other people suffer ? cant we keep the ten comandments and love each other and love God above all? cant we ? Im going to do that from now on....

I CAN LISTHEN TO ROCK YEEEEEESSS

I DONT FEEL EMPTY ANIMORE!!!

YAAATAAAAAA!!!

Entry number 7 :Quick update. 25th of November - 21:36 (the hour I completed this.) of 2014

Hellloooo So the good things of today, IM GONNA READ THE CHRONICALS OF NARNIAAA.

I only saw one movie, the prince Caspian one, and dam...I felt in love with the series then.

I never realy liked Narnia, before, once I saw a poster and, do you know those feelings that hit you like its warm and painfull at the same time? It was like something was saying, this is going to mean something to you, a lot. Yeah. And so NOW , im gonna read the books. *Grins like a mad women*

On the other hand my mom wants me to be "the voice" of Aspies here in Portugal, I want so too , but I´m tired and I dont know if I can do it. Well I´m tired now, I may be bether later....Its been a long week.....its still Tuesday.

But I am tired in a mental way ... yeah *waves hands in front of face*

I´m still trying to gain forces from that thing with my friend yeasterday.

Aaaand grrr. Yep. People say I care too much, maybe I do , but this is the only way I feel okay. I know people arent perfect, but I dont like when they hurt others and stuff.

But sometimes I do too... (I´m a terrible person).

Yeah the OCD kicked in again... I dont know if its OCD but yep. Its in full force right now.

And I need to vent. Well that is why I made this blog wasent it ?

I´m tired of this OCD crap. Its so tyring.

Im going into deep in that later.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! I think I am going to be one of the voices for AS in Portugal, Its gonna be tyring,stressfull, fun and awsome!

So yes I will post more on that later too. This is just a quick update ;) Kisses everyone.

Entry number :6 - The bright side of the day. 24th of November of 2014

On the bright side of the day- yeah I had to first take that out, on the last entry- MY OTP AS A CANON KISS!!!!

Yes I DO only need this to be happy!  But sereosly, if you at least read the "About me" page you know im crazy about Naruto. I am realy. Its like he is a friend/brother something I cant explain to me. I grew along side with him, and since a certain secne I allways shipped him with Hinata ....ALWAYS. And then when the chapter with the handholding coming out, and Naruto thinking "I´m never letting go of your hand" I´ma like....ITS CANON.

 And then when I saw that they had kids on chapter 700 my heart just ...I was emotionless becouse it was too much to bear. 

And now we have a confirmation that in the LAST ....there is going to be  a KISSING SCNE, and im fangirling like hell becouse there will be a wedding secne too!!!!!

This is one of my dreams coming true...grra Im emotional right now. 

You only understand what I´m saying if you where growing up with him. :) I think I can only compare him with Harry Potter....

Also Kishi said things like "there are no others like this two" as he was drawing them. That he would get embaressed at seing  the kiss scene becouse they are like is litle kids hahahah. I get you bro. I truly do.

On an other note. I´m on a Asperger Forum. So , I get to talk to all of this people, and I get to talk with this sir that is a lot older then me, and I tend to give advices to everyone, this includes kids teens adults and elders ...Yeah ...elders.

And I sometimes feel bad with that becouse sometimes people would give me a look. I think they where mad, I dont know what where thinking.

But this Sir actualy made me feel bether being like this, since he said I was helping him and stuff, and he called me a good person ahahaha. Sometimes I dont belive that.

BUT I´LL HAAVE TO! 

 Well see you in the next entry :) Bye bye.

Entry 4: MUSIC, MUSIC,MUSIIIIC 23 of November of 2014

First of all fellas, let us listhen to this wonderfull music created by Chris Daughtry Cinderella the most awsome song you will hear in ya life.

Now that you have the soundtrak for this post lests continue.

So as you may notice, I have problems, with my special interests and other stuff. That I wont tell yet what it is, BUT I can say that whenever I do one of my special interests not all of them but most of them, I.Feell.Bad that I did them. And that is not how you are supouse to feel. I mean I feel bad in the fact that I feel guilty like im a bad girl for doing it, 

But today I had a moment of realisation and I said ...what the heck lets to this.

And I listhen to music.

Rock.

And it feelt good. 

And I was HAAPPPY ! For the first time in a lot of days, I could feel my self. 

I kinda forgot that Daniela liked the old 90ts rock from those band boys, all american rejects , boys like girls ,and so on . 

But then .... I started feeling guilty again. 

Like the music was too hard, there was too much drums in there, and all this toghts just came and came and came in to my head, to the point that I couldnt got to the dam thing anymore and put play on the song becouse I was feeling so gilty.

I dont know how to wnd this post...I just know I want to get bether and that this seems like hell now.

And Actualy guys  I might just... make a post on the page "Confessions" SSo if you want to read, be my guest :) 

Sorry for the sad post.

Entry 3 : I must be the only person that dosent like going out at night. 22 of November of 2014

I was talking with my best friends and we have this thing on november, becouse we have a lot of birthdays this month to celebrate them all together, each year it was something like cinema our something like that.

This year they wanted to add the "lets go out and party tonight"

wich ...I hate. 

I dont feel safe there, its like, Im in a dangerous place, and it dosent make my style aniway. 

My style is to eat a lot of chocoulate cookies and maraton some anime at night. 

YES I AM LIKE THAT....as much as my other fellow aspies , I think. 

So if they wanted to do a lets maraton Narnia, I would be satisfide this... I think il go for an hour then i´l go home. 

Whenever I do something like I allway have a way to reward my self that makes me feel bether when im going into some social wierd stuff that makes me unconfortable like :

When this ends we are gonna maraton x 

when this ends we are going to read this

when we are going home we are going to watch  reviews 

Analisis hipotesys 

STUFF 

People may toght its childish but I love it and if that is being childish, then yeah Im childish 

Entry 2 : My trip to the Hospital, my back hurts as hell and today was the love day! 21 of November of 2014

So I went to the hospital today becouse almost 2 weeks ago I was helping my grandma getting up and then sundendly my back just starts to hurt like....I dont know, but it hurt a lot, I couldnt walk propleby and it hurted in allmost every position.

I was waithing there, and as I´m reading Insugernt (the amount of FourTris in this book is legendary ) and reading the flufy moments,and then i get my eyes out of the book and there is like this couples that the women is sick and they just lay in the guy´s laps and cudle ...and im like... WHY SO CUTE ! Like realy it just makes my heart warm.

And then this old sir came and was chatting, and ... I toght he was trying to ...get me you know what I mean ? It was akward in a way, but maybe just my Imagination.

Aniway I have my days when I´m like, I want someone , and there are days, when I feel totaly okay with having no one, but with that the romance that I see from, shows ,books, facebook etc gets anoying, but today it didnt. I mean I just loved seeing them happy and being loved. (it was so cuuuute) I wouldnt mind be like this forever XD

If you are wondering about my back, well the doctor just game me pills ...yeah. I hope the´re good. XD

Entry 1: A very long rant about my life nowadays 20 of November of 2014

Disclaimer: This is going to be boring and depressive. You have been wanerd, bye bye I´m not mad at you , you can scoll down ...Yeah bye.
(Update after finishing:Its positive at the ending  )

Aniway, now that ,that is aside ....asyde ? DAM IT OT WHY CANT I SPELL ?!

Lets talk about .... our Im going to talk about my struglings ....yeah!

So lately things have been realy stressfull and if its not one thing then its the other:

Trying to understand some stuf related to spiritualaty, trying to vercome my insecureties , one of my major special interest was coming to an "end" (to me it will never end , it will continue on my heart datebayo!) mom, that dosent get AS my father ...that well as issues , me trying to move foward with my life , having to keep being strong with the all , but you look normal go to worck and all that stuff from other people ....

AND OTHER THINGS, you got the ideia.

There are times in my house that everything turns into a linving hell ! No sereosly! My mom starts shouting a lot of things at me , becouse she still dont acepet that I have AS, my father allways shout at my brother for no reason , and ... I dont want to talk about it but I dont quite like the way he treaths me, my brother is getting very nervouse becouse he as some problem too... though no one knows what , there was only one person that knew ...and shse didnt want to tell us... And I have to try to be allways very calm not being get by it , our it will be worse, but sometimes I.GET.TIRED. I´m not God, nor I intend to be (thats impossible aniway) And I´m trying very ,very hard to not fall into depression. Again. I´ve been there, and once I was out of it I made a promis to myself that I would NOT, let me being in this state again. NEVER. If I love my self Im not going to let that happen. But I feel it just bellow, just trying to emerge from all this ....things.

But with the help from God, I am NOT going to let that happen again. Its over, shush.

I´ve been feeling very loonely toght too, yeah I have been talking with friends and stuff, but whenever I try to explain stuff they never quite get me, our think that I´m making a big fuss out of nothing. For me its a big deal.

When I prive myself from my personal interests becouse other things ae at stake, at least in my head it is very, very,very,very,very, important for me, becouse I might not function, in fact I´m not Im like this becouse I prived my self from it. I dont see any meaning in life, all I see is sufering and numbness and I dont know whu I am anymore becouse without my special interests I DONT HAVE A PERSONALATIE! Realy try for yourself , see how it goes. Its like your dead inside, Its like im killing my self without actualy being dead, Im sorry but the other one is bether at least you dont feel a thing. ~

(uuugh ,what am I saying, please if anyone is with suicidal toghts dont listhen to me, Im sayng this , but I wont kill my self becouse I still have hope that life will change, so you, yeah you, life will get bether ,belive it. Dont do it, you are of worth. okay? )

And people dont get this! -of course they dont , they are wired to think in other ways- they think Im exagerathing, and I have strugles spiritualy , not with God,with people, becouse they dont get me and when I present a question regarding me, and some other stuff...I get this awnsowrs (our how the hell you spell it ) that are just a bit...desapointing.And it got me a litle down. Lucly one of the persons here did understand me (well wadda ya say, he is an aspie of course he gets me) and did help me on that , along with an other person on tu,blr that had AS and we didnt knew that we both had, (like he didnt knew I had and vice versa) and he felt the same way as me, and it was nice becouse he didnt had a anwsour...(baah,i will have to type this word a undred times ) but he did understand me wich was good becouse for the first time I didnt felt alone in that.

And with this thing I learned when I want reponses in spiritualatie regarding AS I have to go to my "hommies".

At least I could take something positive from it . Hm.

Im still strugling. I dont knwo what to do about my special interests, I REALY REALY REALY WANT THEM BACK XD well I still have them , I ´m just prive from it.

And the fact that im in home and I still havent finished highscholl and that im going to be 20 next week dosent help neither. BUT I have to be positive and...well im working on finishing high school.That one of my major goals, you dont understand the pain, the sadness tat i fell that im not studying becouse ....icouldnt handle social life and school life, i could handle it if i had a psychiatrist, but even that, in portugal, it takes a lot to get one, and if you want one realy fast you have to pay for it, but its too expensive and my famalie just dosen t aford for that, so im waithing. At that time I suspect I had AS but no one actualy cared...so I was kinda screwd.

As a teen teachers allways tryed to help me in every way they could but now im not in obrigatorie ? obligatorie ?...idk. obligatorie education, so no one sticks in , and Im an adult so that help that I used to recive is no where to be seen.

But I dont care I WILL GET HELP, I WILL FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND I WILL WORCK FOR A PROGRAMING COMPANIE(major goals in life right there, my major top is google XDDD)

As Iim righting this down I started to notice that yeah it is a litle darck now, but it will get bether, well at least i translate for ted, thats a good thing.

I should do a list of good things .

Yeah Il do it.

And I dont feel like stop wrigthing...

YEAH, I have to stay positive!

And I want to do something with my life.

Sorry for making you read this , until next time

Helllo Internet! World, whatever, welcome to my blog. A Random blog. About Random stuff. Yeah!

This my loves is the front page of my blog, a welcome page if you want to call it that.
My other entries are in the"Entries" page.

Aaand as you will see, most of my problems are related to Asperger and spiritual  OCD related, so if you dont know what they are, and you care

Go sheck the "confessions " page :)

Its going to be amazing! Join for the rideee XD