Entry 1: A very long rant about my life nowadays 20 of November of 2014

Disclaimer: This is going to be boring and depressive. You have been wanerd, bye bye I´m not mad at you , you can scoll down ...Yeah bye.
(Update after finishing:Its positive at the ending  )

Aniway, now that ,that is aside ....asyde ? DAM IT OT WHY CANT I SPELL ?!

Lets talk about .... our Im going to talk about my struglings ....yeah!

So lately things have been realy stressfull and if its not one thing then its the other:

Trying to understand some stuf related to spiritualaty, trying to vercome my insecureties , one of my major special interest was coming to an "end" (to me it will never end , it will continue on my heart datebayo!) mom, that dosent get AS my father ...that well as issues , me trying to move foward with my life , having to keep being strong with the all , but you look normal go to worck and all that stuff from other people ....

AND OTHER THINGS, you got the ideia.

There are times in my house that everything turns into a linving hell ! No sereosly! My mom starts shouting a lot of things at me , becouse she still dont acepet that I have AS, my father allways shout at my brother for no reason , and ... I dont want to talk about it but I dont quite like the way he treaths me, my brother is getting very nervouse becouse he as some problem too... though no one knows what , there was only one person that knew ...and shse didnt want to tell us... And I have to try to be allways very calm not being get by it , our it will be worse, but sometimes I.GET.TIRED. I´m not God, nor I intend to be (thats impossible aniway) And I´m trying very ,very hard to not fall into depression. Again. I´ve been there, and once I was out of it I made a promis to myself that I would NOT, let me being in this state again. NEVER. If I love my self Im not going to let that happen. But I feel it just bellow, just trying to emerge from all this ....things.

But with the help from God, I am NOT going to let that happen again. Its over, shush.

I´ve been feeling very loonely toght too, yeah I have been talking with friends and stuff, but whenever I try to explain stuff they never quite get me, our think that I´m making a big fuss out of nothing. For me its a big deal.

When I prive myself from my personal interests becouse other things ae at stake, at least in my head it is very, very,very,very,very, important for me, becouse I might not function, in fact I´m not Im like this becouse I prived my self from it. I dont see any meaning in life, all I see is sufering and numbness and I dont know whu I am anymore becouse without my special interests I DONT HAVE A PERSONALATIE! Realy try for yourself , see how it goes. Its like your dead inside, Its like im killing my self without actualy being dead, Im sorry but the other one is bether at least you dont feel a thing. ~

(uuugh ,what am I saying, please if anyone is with suicidal toghts dont listhen to me, Im sayng this , but I wont kill my self becouse I still have hope that life will change, so you, yeah you, life will get bether ,belive it. Dont do it, you are of worth. okay? )

And people dont get this! -of course they dont , they are wired to think in other ways- they think Im exagerathing, and I have strugles spiritualy , not with God,with people, becouse they dont get me and when I present a question regarding me, and some other stuff...I get this awnsowrs (our how the hell you spell it ) that are just a bit...desapointing.And it got me a litle down. Lucly one of the persons here did understand me (well wadda ya say, he is an aspie of course he gets me) and did help me on that , along with an other person on tu,blr that had AS and we didnt knew that we both had, (like he didnt knew I had and vice versa) and he felt the same way as me, and it was nice becouse he didnt had a anwsour...(baah,i will have to type this word a undred times ) but he did understand me wich was good becouse for the first time I didnt felt alone in that.

And with this thing I learned when I want reponses in spiritualatie regarding AS I have to go to my "hommies".

At least I could take something positive from it . Hm.

Im still strugling. I dont knwo what to do about my special interests, I REALY REALY REALY WANT THEM BACK XD well I still have them , I ´m just prive from it.

And the fact that im in home and I still havent finished highscholl and that im going to be 20 next week dosent help neither. BUT I have to be positive and...well im working on finishing high school.That one of my major goals, you dont understand the pain, the sadness tat i fell that im not studying becouse ....icouldnt handle social life and school life, i could handle it if i had a psychiatrist, but even that, in portugal, it takes a lot to get one, and if you want one realy fast you have to pay for it, but its too expensive and my famalie just dosen t aford for that, so im waithing. At that time I suspect I had AS but no one actualy cared...so I was kinda screwd.

As a teen teachers allways tryed to help me in every way they could but now im not in obrigatorie ? obligatorie ?...idk. obligatorie education, so no one sticks in , and Im an adult so that help that I used to recive is no where to be seen.

But I dont care I WILL GET HELP, I WILL FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND I WILL WORCK FOR A PROGRAMING COMPANIE(major goals in life right there, my major top is google XDDD)

As Iim righting this down I started to notice that yeah it is a litle darck now, but it will get bether, well at least i translate for ted, thats a good thing.

I should do a list of good things .

Yeah Il do it.

And I dont feel like stop wrigthing...

YEAH, I have to stay positive!

And I want to do something with my life.

Sorry for making you read this , until next time