Entry number 23 - I'm still alive ! - for the lack of a better setence.

Soooo yeah I am a lousy blogger bcouse I didn't even updated how my cristhmas eve was.... I didn't like it that much that settles it. ( laughs) it wasen't that bad, but it wasen't that good neither. I think one of the reason is that I don't see Xmas as other people do, presents, family, friends, hot chocolate and lots of awesome tasty food ! Well.... I do see it as tasty food too, but mostly, I see Xmas as a very spiritual thing, it was the day my Savior was born ( actuly that was not the day, but since we don't know which month ( September our October....probably October ) He was born we celebrate His birth day on this day) its not a mere b day this was a prophetized b day, I don't know how to express how important this is to humanity, like, oh well I'll make a post about this later ( an other must do post on the list) .
So Xmas eve was basically listhen to my family's chatter and the TV's movies noise ( Oscar Xmas....was it ? It was a good movie , life of Pi ? I don't like watching animals being killed,and I think this movie was on 25 not on 24) eating a lot ! those cakes were sooooo good my sister in law knows how to cooke ....cook ? And making puzzles and playing chess and an other board game that I don't know the name in English for.
For me that was the best part of the night I got to spend time with my older nephew while he was teaching me how to play chess, for the first time I know what a check mate is! And we got addicted to it XD
And making puzzles with my younger nephew ( as well with my brother and older nephew) was a lot of fun, we both have this thing for paterns . on Xmas day I got so pumped that I completed all the puzzlels there was, except the one that was 500  pieces.
My bro came from spain and we got to spend time together as families with him and his dog ... She is so chute she only sleeps with him but she decided to sleep with me and my parents this year ! - the bed was  larger also when my bro comes for Xmas I get to sleep in my parents bedroom.
So yeah lots of noise, changes and confusion for my head! I'm still recovering from it, and here comes the new years eve..... Meh. Oh well at least I will do some resolutions this year, for the first time in for ever.

And today I went to the nearest citiy to do some errands, and I was looking for the red cross to volunteer, turns out  there's no red cross there (sight) what ever I can go to the other nearest city and volunteer there, but as I was saying I went there I bought this draw paper so I can finally start drawing my friends face! -Sorry dude ,I still haven't start it- and other stuff, and after a while I go to a biblio...Bibliotheca bibliotec? That. To read some books, and I get so mad because there's nothing to read there, there is, but one I have read it already, second I don't like them , third they are not about distopias XD and fourth ....there isint a fourth.
I was looking for narnia and nothing. NOTHING ! There's LOTR and  Twilight and pride and prejudice but there's no narnia (cries) nor hunger games for that metteer....not divergent.... I want to squeeze someone...
But I found one book that I finded adourable ! I think the name in English is little women, its a classic but I still haven't read it, so day 2 I'm gonna pick it up !
I'm so happy a new book !
Actually next month a new chapter of orange is coming out ( fangirls)

Okay this as been reeealy long and reaaaly random so I'm gonna end this post here, with the promiss of coming back with something related with new years, that anime review and the cristhian one !
See ya !

Entry 22 - looking back at my introspection.

My introspections are like a religious meditation ....I think.
I can spend days away from society only watching and reading meaningful stuff, sometimes eve forgetting that....there's food, and that my body needs it, other times, I remember it too dam well.
So I stay at my bed under the covers, watching and reading stuff and, is the situation happen to me I tend to remember every detail of it and see my self in the characters. Other times I watch the thing our read it and then I try to take something good out of it something that I can live by ( like in naruto, only in naruto both things happened).

On the last post I already told you guys what I have been reading and watching, and on entry 20, yeah that manga  is part of it too.

So what did I found ? What was I looking for in the first place ? Nothing.

I found out that, some wounds that where suppose to be healed aren't .
I found out that I'm still very fragile, and I hate it, I want to be strong and kind, but some people comments where bugging my mind.
Where. They aren't anymore.
Our at least I'm in the jorney of not  letting it bug me.

The no dropping out manga, made me realize something. Social hirachies suck. I was right. Like most of the times, I think I have to forgive my self and put the blame where it belongs.

All ofencers are like that, let them be bullies, molesters, someone that pratacies domestic violence, its their blame and they put it in who ever they want.

So I decided that I'll start healing by putting the blame in the right place.

What did I learn more ...? That people core's suck ? Yeah I already knew that, but I think I kinda forgot. But it was good because I actually remember the way the bible tells you to be totally diferent from people that  direct they lives troght those values, and it just gave peace to my heart GOD WILL MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE !!!!  I found out that not being associated with any social hirerchy was a biblical thing and it just made Jesus, and not only Him, Joseph of Antimateria ( is that how you spell it ?)
....I will put a link so you can see a vid about it. My role model !

That was the greatest thing about my introspection,I refound God and I refund good in people, there are still people that can be good troght God's grace. Amend that I should go to Him when things get rough and when things get happy, because I don't see the bigger picture and what is happening to me may served to save someone else. I should ask the right questions, not being whining.

That's part of the cure too.

An other thing is, I matter. My opinions matter, my feelings matter, I should respect m, and other people should too. I should claim respect, but to do that I should claim respect from my self too.

Going back to  the things that I watched; wondering son, I'm androgynous , meaning gender, I mean, in my brain there isan't a gender, I'm just.... Me.

Watching that girl being trap in a boys body, was just.... How do I it it, I'm okay with my body, I don't feel the need to change a thing, but it just made me aware of the fact that, I am different
It made me realize that I want to express who I am, so I will probably start whearing more unisex stuff.
All that I took from that anime was love yourself.

Orange is still ongoing, but I took a lesson from it, you at in this world just for a few  things. And one of it is make a difference in people lives. You may desagree with me, butt think with me, why do you study? To know stuff, for what ? For a job, for what , so you can live, pay you'r bills have a house, if you are lucky buy a car. You are living, for your self, you say, you are living the dream, butt...are you ? What will you left behind ? No tell me what did you do that made you smile like a maniac ? A car wont make you smile like a maniac, for long XD

But...you can have half of that stuff, and be happy, because of connections, you'refriend was having a bad day, you offer yourself to list hen to him, your bond deepens and he will never forget, that you where there for him, and you actually feel good too! Being part of someone happiness is something, wonderful. And this is the true way of never be forgeted , even if you aren't famous, the people you touched lives will never forget you, and being part of domes happiness is one of the greatest things of all, all the other things are stuff given by the sistem to give you a purpose, but they will fail someday, and this won't.

It thought me that  i must  accept  my retreats, try to learn from them, and try to not do the same in the future :)

Long long post, of a very long long journey that will not finish.... Until Jesus arrives our I ressurect ( yes I don't know he to spell that word ! It doesn't matter aniwai, if  it does t you, sorry pal. )

See ya

Entry 21 - introspection ( and other stuff ) ( actuLy this is just an update )

Life can be strange sometimes,  I'll be saying very random things in this post so don't mind me.
Lately I've been in a introspective void, where I just read and watch stuff think about life, my life, others people lives actions and stuff, and I don't talk with anyone for a long time. I need this sort of thing from time to time.
Our else I forget whu I am.
So I've been reading, watching and  writing a lot. I've been working on a manga about AS

I've  been reading orange, which is a manga about friendship love and.....parallels universes and trying to make a friend undepressed so he  doesn't commit suicide. But its not gloom and doom , its actually really funny sometimes.

Then I watched a drama, and that one its really heavy and its really doom and gloom....realy doom and gloom.
And if you don't want to watch it I understand, the name is no dropping out. Its  a 35 year old that goes back to highschooll,  I toght it was a comedy drama but then it was about bullying..... And heavy one so...yeah I'm not finishing it.

And then I found out if I changed my language to English on crunchy I would have more anime, and more interesting ones, so I watched an anime ... I can only remember he English part of the name, wandering son, its about a boy that wants to be a girl and a girl that wants to be a boy, I LOVED IT.

I actually will be making a post just about it, because it desearves it ! I just love this serious and complicated issues about life....because that's real!

I will actually go back to church too. Next Saturday I will be there :)

The introspection made me a little... What should I say bitter, but that will coins to pass, with a lot of love, and the right book :)

Entry number 20 : manga "a silent voice"

Okay  its late, but here it is, my post about the manga a that I finished reading an few days ago.
I have to say, what a roller coaster of feels..even as I'm writhing this the feels are coming back,

This manga is about a girl that is deaf  and the srruglles that she as fitting in society, and about a boy that wants to defeat boredom at all costs.

No, this is not you'r tipical lovely dovely manga.

That boy to defeat boredom does all kind of weird stuff, like jumping off bridges,get beaten up by a senior, beat up other people, bully animals.... And when that all ends, you know what he did?

He bullied the deaf girl.

He did all kind of weird stuff he did to animals to her, and in his mind she was an alien ....

Talking about her, when she came to school everyone tryed to be nice to her, and she tryed to, communicate with everyone with a  notebook, but this.... Other girl started to get fed up with her,and she starting being a idiot to her after the anti-boredom guy started too.

So she  (the new girl i dont like to call her deaf girl) became isolated and everyone make her life hell.

eventually her mother called the principall because she noticed that her.... Its not hear plugs, that device that makes you hear better was being broken every time she bought a new one.

And so the homerun ( homeron, home ran ...... Yes I don't know how to spell what ever ) teacher said for the anti-boredom guy to confess.

You think this is good right ?

It wasent.

First the teacher was a bully himself and he didn't  want is superiors to scold him. Second he was bullying the anti-boredom guy, second....this....

The guy admits that he did it, which I praise him for it, but then he says that he wasent the only one, and he starts telling about the idiot girl, his 2 friends and a braid chicken that badmouthed her , but he wasent expecting that everybody would turn his back on him, and told the teacher that it was only him, and yara yara yara, you can read it on crunchyroll.

So now, they have started bullying him, and her.

And its really sad to see how traumatized the guy becomes. The girl eventually changes schools and this is where something really cool happens, when he comes back the other day, his desk is full of stuff writed with chalck, and he had noticed the other day that she was cleaning a desk before everyone else arrieved, but he tought it was her deask, but in the end it was his desck.

So he continued to being bullyed until he graduated, but in highschool one of his old friends started to bad rumoring him and he ended up ignored....weeeell but he kinda start shoving people away too

Bullying trauma.

But, he finds out that the girl that he used to bully goes to a school near him and he mets her, then he goes and talks to her in sign language so he can tell her sorry, that he was a jerck, and if they could be friends although he understand if she didn't want to be ( this was actually an allusion to what she told him a while back)

And then he starts to dedicating his life to her, like , he wants to be a different person, from what he was in the past, he wants the anti-boredom guy dead. And. A jorney of finding themselves, understanding others, friendship and forgiveness, for them and for the self begins.

And its just beutifull seing that bloom.

It was a history of, hope, and now I want to re-read it.... Anyway I recommend everyone to read it especially if you we t troght the same experience.

But.....

SPOILER ALERT

I know that romance was a sub theme... But it was still a theme, come on even Paulo got to be shown again and we don't get to see those 2 together ? I mean yeah it was implied but .... I needed confirmation, it just seems unfinished to me, but oh well. It was a really good many a despise that.

So that was it, I'm reading an other manga now , its called orange, its ongoing and I'm loving it, I got to learn a few things about relationship with it, I only get relationship with manga.

Entry 19: update

So I don't have a PC , our laptop now, so I'm writing on my tablet ! ( which is good because it has autocorrect XP)
So yeah its been difficult traslanting anything,but I WILL !
I went to the hospital to check if I had a schedule with the psychiatrist, and nope, guess the doctor forgot about it , but it was okay becouse, the lady that assisted me made where to put a not on the psychiatrist stuff.
I've been doing a week without 2 of my special interests, to see what happens- its related to chch stuff - and all kinds of things have been happening to me, weird things, like the memories of the me in the "blur years" those where the years where I was bullyed, and the nice thing is, for every moment that I am, a manga seems to pop up to help me out, and this time was "a silent voice " that "saved" me. I just finish it, and km in a roller coaster of feels right now, I'm trying to process it all, because it just feels so real, the story, just feels so real and it kinda hurts... But at the same time it gives you hope.
I'm gonna rant about it latter

This was just a update.... There's nothing really new to update but I feel like I have to put it all here.

See ya !

Asperger vs Neurotipicals.

Neurotipicals....We should have a bether name for them, I mean most of us are into fandoms, we are used to make flufly awsome names to pairings and charecters and things.... why don´t we have a name for them?

Now geting to the all AS vs NT thing.

Sometimes, I think, that people think, that I´m all for AS supermacy, wich I´m not. I think that all people regarding their brains anatomy should be respected,understanded, and treated as equal. 

You see this is not who is more inteligent our as the more skills our anithing. 

Its about Humans, 

Sometimes, I feel that people focous a lot on the AS supermacy, we have to stop with it becouse no one is bether then anyone.
I agree. But sometimes, there is an other supermacy.
The neurotipical supermacy.

I dont want to ofend anyone.Our point the finger at someone. Lets just get that out of the way.

Sometimes, there is this belive , that having a neurotipical brain, is what  is more important, becouse, you can socialize, you can do whatever ou do becouse you'r NT brain is wired for it. And then theres the belive that the only way of doing things right is the neurotipical way, and that if we take more time to do one thing in life then what our NT partener would take, its a bad thing and we dont function right. 

And then theres the people that want to cure us to make us more like them , because,again, having that tipe of brain is better.

This is supermacy.... Rather you like it our not.

I'm sorry if I'm going to ofend someone, but for me its like saying that being withe is better then being black.

Want to stop with supermacy ? Let's stop with all kinds of supermacy.

As humans we all have feelings, and it hurts when other people say that we have some kind of brain damage.

And NT´s dont like it neither.

We need to stop bashing one trait so the other is exalted, like Temple Garden says "The world needs all types of minds" Let's be happy with what we have. 

It's not Aspergers that makes my life difficult. It's people that don't understand me that make my life difficult.

Sorry if I offended someone.

See you guys soon.

Entry number 17: Feeling young, when your old, sometimes isint that good.

I know, I know it was supouse to be about AS, and it is, in a way.

You know I dont feel my age.
I don´t feel like I have 20 years old, nor did I felt like I was 19. And as an adult that sucks.
For exemple this last week someome asked me formy taxpayer number- here in Portugal you have to give this number so people can get a claim check. - and that number its in our Idententy card, and by the time people have him, they are toght to have them everywhere, and me, as 20 year old didnt have it. I didnt even had my bag with me, I just had the money, that was the essential. I mean for you this may not seem like something important, but for me it was huge , and the thing was it didnt ocorred to me that I had the responsabilitie to carry it ....

Aaaah... see whay I told you this is an Asperger thing?
Well it may not be to everyone on the spectrum, but...
And the bad part is that I feel like some stuff are not of my responsabilitie, when they are, becouse I´m a 20, I dont want to feel like I need other people to take care of me.
But I do.

But I´m trying my best to  overcome that somehow.


I hate when this things keep naging me.


But like I said I will overcome it, I just need to ... I dont know make a routine, our something.


Bye guys, se ya next time :)

Entry number 16: Ranting, TED, STUFF!!

Sorry for not posting the entry about manga, but I will! I was working on an other entry about Asperger. Its a realy long one, I just want to explain some things to people.

Aniway...

So I lost an other follower on Tumblr do to a post of Scrupolosity ... Okay ... moving on
The great thing about this place is that I dont have a need for followers like I have there, this is my sanctuary with no pressures, no, my blog is only about THIS. Our anithing, And all much of the people that read my blog dont know me so... (well I have several persons that do, but I feel confortable arround you guys).
And here I can feel like I can talk without having to pleasour everyone and I can talk from the top of my head...wich is good.

Moving on.
On this past 2 weeks our so, my blog as had 149 views .... wich is crazy , and I have a few people that actualy follow me. (I mean they come and see my stuff but they are anonimous.)

Wich realy makes me happy, Im happy , yeei !

When I started this blog on the aspies forum I wanted it as a place to vent, becouse I was so ... into my own litle things and I toght no one would understand it and such. And they did, and Aniway. I saw Beckie doing it and it just inspired me.

Aniway I´m having a lot of views from Portugal...wich is wierd becouse this blog is in english, the only toght I can came up with  is that, my link, its in portuguese.

So maybe, maybe, I´l make a page in portuguese for this people. To talk about ....what they came in to search.

(Vocês percebem o que eu escrevo? Estão aqui á procura de informações sobre AS? Eu só disse isso por causa do meu link ser relacionado com aspies... yeah, se quiserem posso fazer uma página em português dedicada a vocês o que acham ?  ----Translation- I just asked them if they came here  searching for AS informations.And the page thing.)

So now I´m on the process of tranlating a TED video in portuguese, the video is about the ALS bucket chalenge, its a realy deep story, and Peet just inspired me like hell.
If you want to watch the ted talk its here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lr-mXnUoUXM

and the ice bucket chalenge of Bill gates, you will understand why after watching the first video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS6ysDFTbLU

this desease is terrefing just to tho think about it. Its like alzhimer only in the body,

I realy wish they can find a cure.

to both deseases.

so, since im just ranting about nothing.

cuz thats what im realy good at doing, I´m gonna leave you and when I come back, I´ll come back with some proper posts.

Yeah...

See you :)

Entry number 15 - Update, boring one.

Hello everyone, beutifull people XD

A quick update about yesterday

My sister in law asked me to draw my nephews pictures ! I'm gonna try my best , what I usualy draw is manga, not real stuff, but I'll try, plus she wants to pay ( of course im not making it  high, she 's familie ! :) )
Finaly im doing something !
Also, i started coding again, I just coded a litle thanks to the computer, im gonna try again today on the tablet. I looooove programing it makes me feel acomplished:)

I gotta stick withe the litle good stuff I have, so I can batle the stupid depression out.

I'll come again soon posting about manga stuff.....I think.

See ya

Entry number :14 - Anti-Depression Quotes!

Hello everyone! To all of you, who like me, sometimes, strugle with depression, I present you this! 

Its motivational quotes for when you are depressive, broght to you by my favourit Vlogger, Beckie0!

she was the one that inspired me doing this blog! 

Keep fighting guys!

One day things will be alright!

Entry number 13 - ASPERGER AWARENESS!!!

So I saw this video on a site about autism. 

And I just love the way he exposes stuff. 

(I´ll put the script later :) )

Entry: 12 -Quick rant of today.Bad things that makes you see good stuff in life.

Hi there...yes you, you that give me plus on the goolge plus. Mind showing yourself on the coments please ? I want to say thank you. 

Today my Bro makes ....29....ah , Im 20 just like you , not so big now hû? XD 

I finaly went to the massagist, to fix my back...looks like I had a bad posture... BAD DANIELA BAD! XDDDD 

And thats where the good thing, emotional meaning it , came from.

Every body that knows me in real life knows one thing. I dont let any guy touch me , our I didnt , Now I let it more, like hugs and stuff, but I didnt. 

And it wasent just becouse of Aspergers. 

When I had the massage schedule I toght to my self, this, is going to be hard, becouse the pain its in my back and im going to be exposed. 

Aniway. when I got there I saw that he was allmost the same age as me ....almost he was older, way older, but if he must had got out of his tweenties our is in the late ones. 

And Im just like... nervous becouse I knew he was foifn to be young...but I wasent expecting him. 

In my mind someone with 40 years old was a good thing becouse he was acostumed at seing people exposed ,and stuff like that... 

Weeel... 

I just have to say one thing. I was nervous but, This all experience told me something. 

Being touched, its okay. 

And there is nothing wrong with it if both are okay with it, I DIDNT DO ANITHING SEXUAL NOR DID I FELT THAT WAY DONT BE A PERV!!

But to my 11 year old self, that ment a lot. 

Its okay if you´re having fun, and the other person, too, and its kinda reasuring, and conforting. 

To my 11 year old I just have to say something. Dont be afraid of someone that loves you.´

´

NOW BEFORE YOU THINK IM A TOTAL PERV!

I want you to put your self in my shoes and think with me, I only learn most of the stuff troght experience, and touching was not something I would let someone do, let alone be exposed. So I do belive this was God telling me, hey, this is wath a touch feels like between 2 people that respect each other. It wasent sexual, no way at all it was professional, but, the fact that I was brave enogh to got exposed and the fact that I was actualy having fun, got me thinking, that maybe, if 2 people respect each other,maybe it will be something like this. I do belive God made me realize that.

I do know you guys are thinking that I´m crazy but someday you will know what I´m talking about. 
And keep in mind that this is a diarie so, its normal to put this random stuff here sometimes. 

One day people shall know what the 11 year old me went troght :)

Entry number:11 Depression sucks.

Im currently batling with dperession at the moment.
All I can do is sit here and .... blog.
Blogging is the only thing that as made me sane !
The only place where I felt acepted...and okay, that and Tumblr, but since my ocd kicked in I cant go there anymore....its a miracle if I still have 105 followers.
most of them where from the naruhina fandom, I MISS YOU FAMILIE!!!
So with all that im feeling empty and depressive, and the worst part I dont know what to do anymore, I dont have the strenght to go and look for a job , volunteer our study.
But I have too...somehow. I cant let my life stop. I just have to keep bateling.
But sometimes, sometimes, it just seems to hard. And you feel alone becouse it seems like you dont have any help, do you get me ?
Yeah.

I find it funny in my country.

"If you are depressive, go to a doctor get help"

Well the doctor my prescribe me stuff but he wont do much with all the psycological stuff ya know...

"okay then go to a psychiatrist"

I dont have the money.

" Go to one from the goverment."

okay

-waiths 2 years-

This sistem dosent work! By the time that happens people just might be under the ground if it got severe, our bether, sometimes that happens.

And I feel traped. Im 20 I should be making a life not being in my parents house!

GRAAAH!

My B day part 2

I was going to put photos here ...but naa. IL PUT THEM LATER.

So aniway, Im all exited becouse its Shabbat and its a Shabbat where my birthday its tangled with... our so I say in my Imagination becouse it isin´t.

If you dont know what the Shabbat is, is when on Friday at the sunset( becouse the days in the Bible where devided in sunsets and sunrises, so friday night its actualy saturday night) we stop everithing and spend an entire day with the Lord.

So I was realy exited, I was going to spend an entire day With him, and yeah it was a normal Saturday, but then the sunset came and I went to the cinema with my friends....

Oh boy.

I was realy nervous. Not for the motive you are thinking.

I realy did miss them, I was realy happy I was with them, and my baby best friend forever looks so cute and we are so apart from each other it hurts.

So it was realy good.

And we had planed ,as you can read in an other entry, to go to bowling.

I didnt becouse of my back. It hurted.

But I did went to the cinema. And the thing was I didnt wanted to go.
I didnt wanted to go becouse I had a bad feeling about it. But then I saw a poster and I was like....IM GONNA WATCH IT.

And I have to say in all the movie the charecter I liked the most was the person from the poster.

But... I went , and I saw the message of the movie, the violence in it. The double loving stuff. And then I saw a thing that I hated, so much ...so so much.

It was this guy trying to kill the girl he loved ... but in the movie, it just seems so real, his eyes there was evil in it.

So I promissed my self I WILL NEVER WATCH MOVIES AGAIN.

At least not of those types. Divergent , Jonn green and Nicholas sparks movies are still a go.

YOU TOO DONT WATCH MOVIES LIKE THAT.

I´ll make a rant about that later.

BUUUUUUT After that I got to hang out with them a litle bit more and I just loved it, I missed them. :) We went to 2 shops of cloths, and the girls where picking out dresses and making funny poses, it was fun, but there was only one guy in our group, and me and him dont like cloth shops very much we perfer gammer shops our a library. (well thats just me.)

And he was all like lets go to intimissi and stuff.

Aaaah...Friends...

Then I came home and read some manga :)

Then sunday morning!

I did nothing much, but at the end of the day, my familie boght me a choculate cake, some candles,aaaand...what do you call that ...those things that look like fireworks to put in the cake.
And then we all sang happy Birth day.

Theres a video about it... but its on my phone , and the phone dosent conect with the pc, for some reason -.-

So yeah this was my 20th birthday celabration.....its still wierd to say 20 ....


Kisses, see you arround.

Entry number 10 - MY BIRTH DAYYY - This was suposed to be posted on 28yh of November XD - part 1

So, on the 28th of November I made ..... 20 years old .. .
I still cant ... Im still not conviced that I´m twenty ... whats wrong with me ...
Aniway , I made a small record on what happen that day ...so fotos and videos, so you guys (who ever reads this ) can pass the day with me.

So here it goes...prepare for ugliness

So .... this photo was ment to be the first one, (it wasent ) but its to show how I wake up from bed .... how beutifull I know ... Hi !


When I woke up I was extremely happy, my mom came to my room she gave wished me a happy birthday, I rose up and got to the kitchen so I could be with her a litle bit more, my father came, he wished Happy b day too, and then I moved to the Pc, and then I went to listhen to music, Daughtry, "waithing for supermen" and "Cinderella"

Me listhening to "Waithing for Supermen"
I had one for cinderela but I cant upload it :(

Then I went to Facebook, where a lot of people where wishing me happy birthdays,I had photos of it  I would put here but I cant becouse, permission stuff !
Aniways, I went to skype, and one of my best friends knowing my need and love for manga, and how I was depriving my self from it gave me this:

Crunchyrool Pay meee XD

He gave me a premium pass to the crunchyrool manga part. I CAN READ ALL THE MANGA I WANT NOWW UUUH UH!

If you happen to read this, for tthe milesimal time thank you, thank you, THANK YOUU  lol XD 

Then 2 old friends of mine gave me birthday´s wishes and one kept talking with me and wanted to know how I was doing and stuff... it was just...realy meaningfull. :)

Then I got fed up and I went to buy "cakes" for me, I GOT OUT OF HOUSE !!! (yeeeiii) 

My back didnt hur a lot , it did a litle but I could walk and I just got to see the houses the streets , this is realy beutifull here, I love it. I think its an aspie thing. ...one day I get into more detail.

Aniway since it was my B day I got all dress up for the ocasion!

I know , you cant see it very well XD

And then when I came back with the cakes I made a video, but its not uploading so when it is Il show you guys.

But before all of these Google and Fcebook gave me an Happy B day wishes, Google thank you for the cakes, Facebook thank you for the Fireworks. And a Youtuber that I like a lot puted a plus one on a coment I made on her google plus acount ...Yeeei XD 

So yeah this was the first part of my b day. Il post the rest today our tomorrow :)

Random stuff about today

Its 4 am ....AND I´M BLOGGING , actualy reposting what I had posted on the entries page...its bether here. I like how its not compact and stuff.

And also, HELLLOO yes you that are reading my last  entries, I dont know who you are but , feel youserlf at home...did this sentece made sence ? I dont think so...

ANIWAY.

Today was a wild day... it was wild, but I stayed at home, Lies ,I did went outside once, but my back hurts like hell when I walck so I cant go ,still , monday I will have my back fixed muahahahah!
I finaly decided.
Im going to make an Aspie group suport! Yes! We need to show Aspies that they are not aloone!!!
If you are from Portugal and you are reading this and you have AS....consider yourself at home and go to Aspies Pt on facebook.

JOIN THE ARMY!!!

Wow....I shout a lot at 4 in the morning * rools eyes *

I actualy have an "anoucement" for this blog.

THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT ALL HAPPY AND FLUFLY STUFF, BECOUSE THIS IS ABOUT LIFE AND LIFE IS HARD SOMETIMES, AND SOMETIMES ITS SAD.

So sometimes you´re gonna see some depressive stuff, but I have to say it becouse this is the way I cope with stuff, I find it out that i get less into depression if I do this here. 

SO, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

That said, I´m going to talk about sad stuff.
Im turning 20 in a few hours.
And life is ....kinda wierd.
Im allmost twenty and I havent finished highschool.....*shakes head`*
And that keeps me frustrated, I want to do something I love, something I´m passionate about, until I get to school again! Something that would change the world, okay , something with meaning.
I love arts , I love paiting I wouldnt mind doing that ....IF THERE WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT NEAR WHERE I LIVE !
There isint and that makes me nuts.
Sure I could paint in my home... but I want to be sorrounded with people. And I want to laugh with them and trhow paint at them and vice versa.

Paint warrr!

But this stupid goverment dosent let me.

I wanted to be able to go t oUni without highschool, I know if I study for the exams I would pass, but to make the exams you have to be in some school.

I toght about going aboard ....but that costs money and I dont think I would survive out of my country, AS.

I need my routines my people my religion !!! XD

So with all of that , yesterday I went to my bed at 3 am depressive shaking and crying as I grabed a teddy, and felt assleep on it.

Today I got to tell about a trauma that hunted me a lot. Im not gonna put this in cofessions yet. So you have to waith to get what I´m talking about.
And I got to tell to someone that went troght the same thing , and it was an intensive experience. it was like i was reviving everything the pain the panic, everything I allmost cried, BUT I DIDNT WICH MADE ME PROUD AT MY SELF!!! And I was shcking a litle, but then Daughtry came along. !
And made my day bether. I actualy like to share those kinds of stories becouse I get to help other people, as I said live isint just god  moments , and we need each other to learn how to cope and be strong and survive in this wild word.

-------------On a lighter note-------------------

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAYYYY - by tomorrow I mean 2 hours our so. !!!

I begged my mom to buy me the last JUMP issue with Naruto, at first she said yes....but then ...CLOTHS DANIELA CLOTHS.
Can I get Narnia then ?
NO.

Baaah. See this is what people dont get, we Aspies perfer books and other things to cloths, becouse books and this other thigs are OXIGEN TO US. IM DEAD SERIOUS.

One of the things that I dont like is still having to ask for stuff when I could be working.....GRRRRAAA but I CANT BECOUSE IM NOT MENTALY PREPARED, NOT BECOUSE IM LAZY , NOT BECOUSE IM RETARDED BUT I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

ASPERGER SINDROM EVERYONE.

It as good things and bad things.... well its not realy the AS fault its from the people that dont understand AS.

But okay.

Now I got that out of my chest.

I might go to sleep...might....

20 Im so old.

Entry number 8: "...And I dont feel dead anymore!" (This is from owl city plant life song...) 26 Of November of 2014 16:19

Hello guys, yesterday I ended up not talking about my ocd, becouse something amazing happened!

As you know, this can be realy tiring... I can be right in the moment thinking, yeah I can´t listhen to what ever I want, its not from the ass devil, and then 3 seconds after , im feeling realy gilty and I have compulsions,,,, and I start to get paranoid and then I think that even watch a video on youtube from someone that is an atheist is a sin .... *baaaf* You know what I mean right ?

Yeah, so! Once in the Aspie Forum I made a message there if anyone was a Cristhina that someone please messaged me, my ocd was kicking hard, and I didnt know if the rules that people told me in church where right our wrong , I was having Identetie isssues...

And one person replyed he gave me his opinion and then other messages toped, and when that happens usualy everyones tends to forget...

Not this time,

I go to the forum, and I see a new message, and the title says. I am Cristhian.

So I replyed to him, and told what was going on, he didnt understood right away and he mentioned a writer(im not going to say the name) and I was like...is he from the same church as me ?!

And he was , well not from portugal , but he is from the same church.

And that just hit me like a blast, I truly belive it was God that puted him there to talk to me! Continuing, after that , he said that those "laws" about the music and other stuff was not a law! And people we know that if its not a law , you dont have to do it.

And I just start crying like a baby!!! I was so relived, I dont know ....I felt FREE! In my mind the verse "Come to Me all of you that are tired and wheary and I will give you rest (our peace , i dont remember well) " just came poping into my mind. And , I was like...yeah, this is freadom , "And the truth shall set you free" this is the real meaning of it. Why do people, make laws and make other people suffer ? cant we keep the ten comandments and love each other and love God above all? cant we ? Im going to do that from now on....

I CAN LISTHEN TO ROCK YEEEEEESSS

I DONT FEEL EMPTY ANIMORE!!!

YAAATAAAAAA!!!

Entry number 7 :Quick update. 25th of November - 21:36 (the hour I completed this.) of 2014

Hellloooo So the good things of today, IM GONNA READ THE CHRONICALS OF NARNIAAA.

I only saw one movie, the prince Caspian one, and dam...I felt in love with the series then.

I never realy liked Narnia, before, once I saw a poster and, do you know those feelings that hit you like its warm and painfull at the same time? It was like something was saying, this is going to mean something to you, a lot. Yeah. And so NOW , im gonna read the books. *Grins like a mad women*

On the other hand my mom wants me to be "the voice" of Aspies here in Portugal, I want so too , but I´m tired and I dont know if I can do it. Well I´m tired now, I may be bether later....Its been a long week.....its still Tuesday.

But I am tired in a mental way ... yeah *waves hands in front of face*

I´m still trying to gain forces from that thing with my friend yeasterday.

Aaaand grrr. Yep. People say I care too much, maybe I do , but this is the only way I feel okay. I know people arent perfect, but I dont like when they hurt others and stuff.

But sometimes I do too... (I´m a terrible person).

Yeah the OCD kicked in again... I dont know if its OCD but yep. Its in full force right now.

And I need to vent. Well that is why I made this blog wasent it ?

I´m tired of this OCD crap. Its so tyring.

Im going into deep in that later.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! I think I am going to be one of the voices for AS in Portugal, Its gonna be tyring,stressfull, fun and awsome!

So yes I will post more on that later too. This is just a quick update ;) Kisses everyone.

Entry number :6 - The bright side of the day. 24th of November of 2014

On the bright side of the day- yeah I had to first take that out, on the last entry- MY OTP AS A CANON KISS!!!!

Yes I DO only need this to be happy!  But sereosly, if you at least read the "About me" page you know im crazy about Naruto. I am realy. Its like he is a friend/brother something I cant explain to me. I grew along side with him, and since a certain secne I allways shipped him with Hinata ....ALWAYS. And then when the chapter with the handholding coming out, and Naruto thinking "I´m never letting go of your hand" I´ma like....ITS CANON.

 And then when I saw that they had kids on chapter 700 my heart just ...I was emotionless becouse it was too much to bear. 

And now we have a confirmation that in the LAST ....there is going to be  a KISSING SCNE, and im fangirling like hell becouse there will be a wedding secne too!!!!!

This is one of my dreams coming true...grra Im emotional right now. 

You only understand what I´m saying if you where growing up with him. :) I think I can only compare him with Harry Potter....

Also Kishi said things like "there are no others like this two" as he was drawing them. That he would get embaressed at seing  the kiss scene becouse they are like is litle kids hahahah. I get you bro. I truly do.

On an other note. I´m on a Asperger Forum. So , I get to talk to all of this people, and I get to talk with this sir that is a lot older then me, and I tend to give advices to everyone, this includes kids teens adults and elders ...Yeah ...elders.

And I sometimes feel bad with that becouse sometimes people would give me a look. I think they where mad, I dont know what where thinking.

But this Sir actualy made me feel bether being like this, since he said I was helping him and stuff, and he called me a good person ahahaha. Sometimes I dont belive that.

BUT I´LL HAAVE TO! 

 Well see you in the next entry :) Bye bye.

Entry 4: MUSIC, MUSIC,MUSIIIIC 23 of November of 2014

First of all fellas, let us listhen to this wonderfull music created by Chris Daughtry Cinderella the most awsome song you will hear in ya life.

Now that you have the soundtrak for this post lests continue.

So as you may notice, I have problems, with my special interests and other stuff. That I wont tell yet what it is, BUT I can say that whenever I do one of my special interests not all of them but most of them, I.Feell.Bad that I did them. And that is not how you are supouse to feel. I mean I feel bad in the fact that I feel guilty like im a bad girl for doing it, 

But today I had a moment of realisation and I said ...what the heck lets to this.

And I listhen to music.

Rock.

And it feelt good. 

And I was HAAPPPY ! For the first time in a lot of days, I could feel my self. 

I kinda forgot that Daniela liked the old 90ts rock from those band boys, all american rejects , boys like girls ,and so on . 

But then .... I started feeling guilty again. 

Like the music was too hard, there was too much drums in there, and all this toghts just came and came and came in to my head, to the point that I couldnt got to the dam thing anymore and put play on the song becouse I was feeling so gilty.

I dont know how to wnd this post...I just know I want to get bether and that this seems like hell now.

And Actualy guys  I might just... make a post on the page "Confessions" SSo if you want to read, be my guest :) 

Sorry for the sad post.

Entry 3 : I must be the only person that dosent like going out at night. 22 of November of 2014

I was talking with my best friends and we have this thing on november, becouse we have a lot of birthdays this month to celebrate them all together, each year it was something like cinema our something like that.

This year they wanted to add the "lets go out and party tonight"

wich ...I hate. 

I dont feel safe there, its like, Im in a dangerous place, and it dosent make my style aniway. 

My style is to eat a lot of chocoulate cookies and maraton some anime at night. 

YES I AM LIKE THAT....as much as my other fellow aspies , I think. 

So if they wanted to do a lets maraton Narnia, I would be satisfide this... I think il go for an hour then i´l go home. 

Whenever I do something like I allway have a way to reward my self that makes me feel bether when im going into some social wierd stuff that makes me unconfortable like :

When this ends we are gonna maraton x 

when this ends we are going to read this

when we are going home we are going to watch  reviews 

Analisis hipotesys 

STUFF 

People may toght its childish but I love it and if that is being childish, then yeah Im childish 

Entry 2 : My trip to the Hospital, my back hurts as hell and today was the love day! 21 of November of 2014

So I went to the hospital today becouse almost 2 weeks ago I was helping my grandma getting up and then sundendly my back just starts to hurt like....I dont know, but it hurt a lot, I couldnt walk propleby and it hurted in allmost every position.

I was waithing there, and as I´m reading Insugernt (the amount of FourTris in this book is legendary ) and reading the flufy moments,and then i get my eyes out of the book and there is like this couples that the women is sick and they just lay in the guy´s laps and cudle ...and im like... WHY SO CUTE ! Like realy it just makes my heart warm.

And then this old sir came and was chatting, and ... I toght he was trying to ...get me you know what I mean ? It was akward in a way, but maybe just my Imagination.

Aniway I have my days when I´m like, I want someone , and there are days, when I feel totaly okay with having no one, but with that the romance that I see from, shows ,books, facebook etc gets anoying, but today it didnt. I mean I just loved seeing them happy and being loved. (it was so cuuuute) I wouldnt mind be like this forever XD

If you are wondering about my back, well the doctor just game me pills ...yeah. I hope the´re good. XD

Entry 1: A very long rant about my life nowadays 20 of November of 2014

Disclaimer: This is going to be boring and depressive. You have been wanerd, bye bye I´m not mad at you , you can scoll down ...Yeah bye.
(Update after finishing:Its positive at the ending  )

Aniway, now that ,that is aside ....asyde ? DAM IT OT WHY CANT I SPELL ?!

Lets talk about .... our Im going to talk about my struglings ....yeah!

So lately things have been realy stressfull and if its not one thing then its the other:

Trying to understand some stuf related to spiritualaty, trying to vercome my insecureties , one of my major special interest was coming to an "end" (to me it will never end , it will continue on my heart datebayo!) mom, that dosent get AS my father ...that well as issues , me trying to move foward with my life , having to keep being strong with the all , but you look normal go to worck and all that stuff from other people ....

AND OTHER THINGS, you got the ideia.

There are times in my house that everything turns into a linving hell ! No sereosly! My mom starts shouting a lot of things at me , becouse she still dont acepet that I have AS, my father allways shout at my brother for no reason , and ... I dont want to talk about it but I dont quite like the way he treaths me, my brother is getting very nervouse becouse he as some problem too... though no one knows what , there was only one person that knew ...and shse didnt want to tell us... And I have to try to be allways very calm not being get by it , our it will be worse, but sometimes I.GET.TIRED. I´m not God, nor I intend to be (thats impossible aniway) And I´m trying very ,very hard to not fall into depression. Again. I´ve been there, and once I was out of it I made a promis to myself that I would NOT, let me being in this state again. NEVER. If I love my self Im not going to let that happen. But I feel it just bellow, just trying to emerge from all this ....things.

But with the help from God, I am NOT going to let that happen again. Its over, shush.

I´ve been feeling very loonely toght too, yeah I have been talking with friends and stuff, but whenever I try to explain stuff they never quite get me, our think that I´m making a big fuss out of nothing. For me its a big deal.

When I prive myself from my personal interests becouse other things ae at stake, at least in my head it is very, very,very,very,very, important for me, becouse I might not function, in fact I´m not Im like this becouse I prived my self from it. I dont see any meaning in life, all I see is sufering and numbness and I dont know whu I am anymore becouse without my special interests I DONT HAVE A PERSONALATIE! Realy try for yourself , see how it goes. Its like your dead inside, Its like im killing my self without actualy being dead, Im sorry but the other one is bether at least you dont feel a thing. ~

(uuugh ,what am I saying, please if anyone is with suicidal toghts dont listhen to me, Im sayng this , but I wont kill my self becouse I still have hope that life will change, so you, yeah you, life will get bether ,belive it. Dont do it, you are of worth. okay? )

And people dont get this! -of course they dont , they are wired to think in other ways- they think Im exagerathing, and I have strugles spiritualy , not with God,with people, becouse they dont get me and when I present a question regarding me, and some other stuff...I get this awnsowrs (our how the hell you spell it ) that are just a bit...desapointing.And it got me a litle down. Lucly one of the persons here did understand me (well wadda ya say, he is an aspie of course he gets me) and did help me on that , along with an other person on tu,blr that had AS and we didnt knew that we both had, (like he didnt knew I had and vice versa) and he felt the same way as me, and it was nice becouse he didnt had a anwsour...(baah,i will have to type this word a undred times ) but he did understand me wich was good becouse for the first time I didnt felt alone in that.

And with this thing I learned when I want reponses in spiritualatie regarding AS I have to go to my "hommies".

At least I could take something positive from it . Hm.

Im still strugling. I dont knwo what to do about my special interests, I REALY REALY REALY WANT THEM BACK XD well I still have them , I ´m just prive from it.

And the fact that im in home and I still havent finished highscholl and that im going to be 20 next week dosent help neither. BUT I have to be positive and...well im working on finishing high school.That one of my major goals, you dont understand the pain, the sadness tat i fell that im not studying becouse ....icouldnt handle social life and school life, i could handle it if i had a psychiatrist, but even that, in portugal, it takes a lot to get one, and if you want one realy fast you have to pay for it, but its too expensive and my famalie just dosen t aford for that, so im waithing. At that time I suspect I had AS but no one actualy cared...so I was kinda screwd.

As a teen teachers allways tryed to help me in every way they could but now im not in obrigatorie ? obligatorie ?...idk. obligatorie education, so no one sticks in , and Im an adult so that help that I used to recive is no where to be seen.

But I dont care I WILL GET HELP, I WILL FINISH HIGH SCHOOL AND I WILL WORCK FOR A PROGRAMING COMPANIE(major goals in life right there, my major top is google XDDD)

As Iim righting this down I started to notice that yeah it is a litle darck now, but it will get bether, well at least i translate for ted, thats a good thing.

I should do a list of good things .

Yeah Il do it.

And I dont feel like stop wrigthing...

YEAH, I have to stay positive!

And I want to do something with my life.

Sorry for making you read this , until next time

Helllo Internet! World, whatever, welcome to my blog. A Random blog. About Random stuff. Yeah!

This my loves is the front page of my blog, a welcome page if you want to call it that.
My other entries are in the"Entries" page.

Aaand as you will see, most of my problems are related to Asperger and spiritual  OCD related, so if you dont know what they are, and you care

Go sheck the "confessions " page :)

Its going to be amazing! Join for the rideee XD